Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant. I feel so good, it is hard to believe. Each day is a struggle to trust God with this pregnancy. This is because I lost the last pregnancy last year. It is so much more a miracle to me now than it ever was before. So each day is a trial of my ability to trust my God.
And He is teaching me new things in this. Always with my past pregnancies, I would pray over and over, "Lord, please keep this baby healthy. Please let this baby be normal.". Now, it isn’t bad to say prayers that way for your unborn child, but right now the Lord is moving my heart to pray more along the lines of, "Lord do what you will with this child". I feel He is leading me to completely give it over to Him, and not try to tell Him what I think needs to be done.
He loves this baby much more than I ever could. And He knows what his plan is for this child. My prayers in the past are just those of a selfish, ignorant child. A child that thinks she knows best what needs to be done. When in reality, I know nothing, and I need to trust my Father to do what His perfect will is. Even if it may be unpleasant.
It’s scary to trust Him completely in this. What if His will is to take my child to be with Him again? What if it is His will for me to have a less than perfect child by the worlds standards? I always say I will love any child the Lord gives, and I will of course, but I always pray it doesn’t happen. It’s scary to think this may be His plan for me and this child this time. It’s scary to say, "Lord whatever your will be".
But as I write this, I am reminded of what Mary said to the angel when told of the incredible blessing that was to come upon her. A blessing I might add that most girls of that culture would never want. To be unwed and pregnant was a huge disgrace! But she humbly trusted the will of the Father.
"I am the Lord’s servant," Mary answered. May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
I want my heart to be as humble as her heart. I want my daily life to be such faith. I want to say, "I am the Lord’s servant, may it be to me as You will."
This is my prayer. This is my heart. This is my daily test.