Today I realized that I keep people at arms reach. I love people, and want to bless them and be close to them. But when they get too close, I panic and back off. I’m afraid they will realize I am far from perfect and then hurt me. Of course it’s obvious that I am far from perfect, everyone is, but it really hurts to be attacked because of it. I have been hurt deeply by others because of my failings, or perceived failings.
I was born a timid soul, but I think it was made worse when I was a young mother attending a certain church. I was snubbed and treated very badly because my child wasn’t a perfect angel at church. This was when my firstborn was only 2 or 3 years old, and very strong-willed. We had quite a drive to church back then, and by the time we got there, my boys were already cranky. Top that off with a long service, and a naturally strong-willed child, and you have misery spelled out for everyone. Many times I spent the service in the car with my boy who was unconsolable, basically because he was tired, and honestly so was I.
Several of the ladies in the church ostracized me because of my child’s behavior. These were women who had children even younger than mine and lived close to church. Yes, my son was doing wrong, and I had a difficult time learning how to cope with it. But I did pretty good back then, looking back. But I was far from the perfect mother, and I still am.
Ever since then, I am afraid to get close to other women. I’m afraid to be dropped when people realize I’m not what they had hoped. I’m so afraid of being hurt.
So, if I keep you at arms reach, please don’t be offended. I’m afraid, I’m still hurt even after all of these years. And I have a hard time trusting people at all. My days before recieving my Lord Jesus, were not something that encouraged trust in others. In fact they were quite the opposite.
I have no idea why I am sharing this tonight. Maybe it is because I see my failings so clearly tonight and I am feeling vulnerable and contemplative. I want to change, I want to take down my protective shield and let others in. I don’t know how to do it though.
I do know that all things are possible with the Lord. This is my hope that He will heal my heart and take down my shield more and more each day.